felt like typing today.
so i think i’m at the point where my body is shutting down, aka dialysis time. i am not hungry. i don’t want to eat at all, and only do to keep my husband happy. i feel so full for my tummy is protruding from my kidneys being so large – filled with cysts and all. i’m starting to be nauseous…not all the time, but noticeably. i haven’t even told my husband about it yet. i’m drinking lots of tea, black in the morning and green in the evening. the mint tea is supposed to help my tummy, as it always has..but so far, it’s not working.
i see Dr. Lin, vascular surgeon, next Friday. i find out if my new fistula is healing well enough to do a second surgery to bring my veins closer to my skin. round two prior to dialysis.
my company is watching me closely, saying they think i should go out on disability now. but i’m not ready yet. i’m keeping my people happy, getting my work finished on time, doing well enough to get a bonus last week…but it’s the little things that i need to watch. my confusion due to being tired/fatigued. they are really on me to make sure i get in my time and take my breaks/lunches. it’s all so exhausting.
i read the Dialysis FB page and see how good i have it compared to other people. they post pictures while on dialysis – in their chair. they show their huge, bulging veins and how ugly they become after years of dialysis. they remind me every day that it will get worse before it gets better. and they also remind me to be happy i’m alive and to enjoy life to its fullest. they scare the heck out of me and also make me feel so much better.
tonight Billy Joel is playing at AT&T Park. i wanted to go so bad. i’ve never seen him and he’s a legend. it’s his first time playing in San Francisco – EVER. tickets were only $50, but we are living hand to fist right now with this crazy apartment, our bills & just life in San Francisco.
i wrote the other day on FB that i can’t believe how i live in San Francisco but don’t enjoy it any longer. there are so many things to do for free here in the city, but i’m too tired to think about leaving the house to actually do them! it’s all i can do to get on BART to make it to work twice a week. on the other days i stay in my sweats, and barely walk the dog 5,000 steps. my body is shutting down. i live for my paycheck, but when i go out on DL, what’s going to happen then? i see things changing drastically soon.
sfdeb 